{"id":2124,"date":"2025-01-23T09:04:40","date_gmt":"2025-01-23T17:04:40","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/serenity4me.net\/?p=2124"},"modified":"2025-01-23T09:17:16","modified_gmt":"2025-01-23T17:17:16","slug":"the-clown-train","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/serenity4me.net\/index.php\/2025\/01\/23\/the-clown-train\/","title":{"rendered":"How I Got Off the Clown Train"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

My Decision to get off the Train<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

By Brenda W., California June,\u00a02012 Reprinted with permission of\u00a0The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I was four or five, my mother put me on a train, the kind that takes little kids on a spin around the grocery store parking lot. Behind the wheel of the train was a colorfully dressed clown, complete with makeup and red-orange wig. Because there were no seats left and I was the last to board, my mother directed me to get in the only seat left\u2014the one next to the clown.
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I was terrified and didn\u2019t want to sit there, despite my mother\u2019s and the clown\u2019s attempts to convince me that this was, in fact, the very best seat. They seemed to be telling me that I was the lucky one and I should be glad. However, my problem wasn\u2019t with the seat, it was with the clown. I was terrified of that clown.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I started to cry, but no one seemed to pay any attention to my tears. The train slowly began to take off, leaving my mother behind. I sat there stiffly, but inside I was churning with a mixture of fear, shame, and anger. As the train made its first pass around the grocery store parking lot, I began to inch slowly across the seat, moving as far away from the clown as I could. I looked down at the ground as our train car rolled over it. I looked back at the clown. Then I looked back at the ground again. Finally, during the second pass around the parking lot, I made a decision. I jumped! I don\u2019t remember hurting myself from the fall, but I do remember running over to hide behind some bushes where I could cry and no one could stare at me. I remember being embarrassed when my mother found me a little while later, though I can\u2019t remember anything she might have said to me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

After some years in Al\u2011Anon, I remembered this story with a smile. Of course, my actions were rooted in fear, but they were my actions. I did not let other people talk me out of my feelings and I was not passive. I was bold!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am not suggesting that someone who finds themselves on a train driven by a clown should jump\u2014though, as my Sponsor would say, it\u2019s always an option. There are other options as well. Being on a train driven by a clown is the perfect metaphor for the first part of my life, before finding Al\u2011Anon.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Years after the train incident, I found myself in so many situations where I was the passive victim with no voice. I am grateful my behavior finally led me to Al\u2011Anon, though not always grateful for the pain it took to get me here.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

By the time I arrived in Al\u2011Anon, I was the battered wife of an alcoholic husband. My childhood with an emotionally abusive alcoholic mother and an alcoholic father, who kept pulling the same disappearing act over and over, had primed me well for this kind of life. As a child, I was sexually abused by a relative who turned my bedtime stories into nightmares.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So as an adult, I had no problem playing the role of voiceless victim all over again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I started in Al\u2011Anon, there was no denying that I was powerless, so I had no problem with Step One. As for Step Two, everyone else seemed to have more power than me. In fact, the whole world was full of powers greater than me. I didn\u2019t really know who or what God was, but I knew I couldn\u2019t make it on my own strength any more. But then, comes Step Three, that action Step. What does one do with that?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I believed myself to be a victim of other people\u2019s misdeeds. Over the years, I had become like a bird who, when they open its cage door, sits there because it does not understand that it is free. It was shocking for me to hear some people in Al\u2011Anon meetings suggest that, maybe, if one was tired of being a doormat, it was time to get up off the floor. But I have found this to be true for me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Before I could turn my life over to the care of God, I had to recognize the insanity of giving away my power to those who are not God. Many times, I had accepted unacceptable behavior because I had not even realized I had any power in the first place. I recognized that before I could turn my will and my life over to God, I first had to have a will and a life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Today, the decisions are mine to make and they can be good decisions if I stay in contact with my loving Higher Power. He speaks to me through my program friends, nature, music, meditation, and many other ways.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I probably will never know why I was so afraid of that clown. It doesn\u2019t really matter why I was afraid. What does matter is that I remember that in the middle of my fear, I still have choices. And if I listen carefully, I will probably hear the voice of my Higher Power trying to pull me gently back to sanity. Of course, as a little girl, I didn\u2019t do it perfectly. Certainly I risked injuring myself by jumping from a moving vehicle, but today I find myself a little bemused by the fact that I did something. I was trying to care for myself. In Al\u2011Anon, I have learned healthier ways to take care of me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Al\u2011Anon has taught me not to expect sick people (or even people who just don\u2019t recognize a problem) to give me what I am unwilling to give myself, or to do for me what I am unwilling to do for myself. I find in most situations today that I do not have to be a victim, if I am willing to use the voice my Higher Power gave me. I have every right to ask for what I want and to object to things I don\u2019t want in my life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

On a good day, when I am working the principles I have learned, I can say what I mean and mean what I say.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

My Decision to get off the Train By Brenda W., California June,\u00a02012 Reprinted with permission of\u00a0The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA. When I was four or five, my mother put me on a train, the kind that takes little kids on a spin around the grocery store parking lot. Behind the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":2128,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[24,12],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2124","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-forum","category-self-care","entry"],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/serenity4me.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/01\/clown-train-e1737652455325.png?fit=250%2C269&ssl=1","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/serenity4me.net\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2124","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/serenity4me.net\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/serenity4me.net\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/serenity4me.net\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/serenity4me.net\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2124"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/serenity4me.net\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2124\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2129,"href":"https:\/\/serenity4me.net\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2124\/revisions\/2129"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/serenity4me.net\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2128"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/serenity4me.net\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2124"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/serenity4me.net\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2124"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/serenity4me.net\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2124"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}