Before coming into Al-Anon I had heard a lot about forgiveness. My understanding was that forgiveness was an act of kindness and generosity on my part, through which another person, who had offended me, was relieved of some burden of guilt. The act of forgiveness depended upon my reaching a new understanding of the other person’s motives and situation, such that their action appeared less immoral.
With this understanding I could take the punishment of the other person off of my list of things to do. With my forgiveness, the other person would benefit greatly; it was a gift from me to them. When I told them that I forgave them, they would, or should, be relieved, and grateful to me. They were relieved of the suffering they had endured under my condemnation.
In Al-Anon I came to a new understanding. These things came as a surprise:
- I am offended because I TAKE offense. It is an act on MY part.
- Once offended, I have a RESENTMENT, which I must carry as a burden, and which constantly harms MY physical and mental well-being.
- While I suffer under the weight of my resentment, the other person is likely not suffering at all from it, and whether or not they feel any guilt about what they did, is none of my business.
- Forgiveness is something that I choose to do FOR ME, to avoid the suffering caused by the weight of
resentment. It is an act of kindness to myself. - I don’t need a “new understanding” of what they did. I just need to decide that “prosecuting this case” is not worth the trouble. This decision has nothing to do with the guilt or innocence of the other person.
- I am under no obligation to say “I forgive you.” It is probably better to just let my behavior speak for itself.
The word forgive has long been used in the business of loaning money or goods. “Fore” means “ahead of time” and “give” means to GIVE the debtor relief from collection attempts beFORE the debt is paid. This occurs when the cost of collecting the debt is deemed higher than the amount of the debt, and the loss needs to be recognized. I may think you owe me something, but I can decide to write it off; I recognize my loss. I accept that the cost of resentment is too high a price to pay for what I wanted from you; I move on.
That’s forgiveness.
Anne Onimus
Northern California
From the 12 Stepper, Northern California Area of AFG’s newsletter, Winter 2022 issue
